Last month I really thought I wanted to die. There was a point in December when I was about to order some cyanide to kill myself with. Suicidal thoughts have plagued me for much of my life, but this recent episode was stronger than they’ve been in many years. What made this period so scary was I was taking action on those thoughts. I pursued those dark impulses, fed them and indeed sought out ways to die. Even though I knew it wasn’t what I wanted to do, I kept coming back to giving up on everything. It wasn’t until I let people know how bad I’d been feeling that the pressure of those thoughts relented and the sense of immediacy to act on them vanished.
In the past week I’ve been a guest on Hay House Radio, have received multiple rave reviews from mentors for my book, Still Here, have been asked to visit Pennsylvania this spring for an Akashic Records road trip, have gotten my gym regime back up to daily workouts, have had multiple inquiries from potential new coaching clients, have three live events scheduled for next month, have received healings from great energy workers, and have been feeling upbeat, happy and excited once again. Synchronicities and signs I’d been ignoring can no longer be ignored and I’m so in love with life once again.
Yet sitting in an email account I haven’t returned to are probably multiple inquiries from some unknown person in China that I was on the verge of sending hundreds of dollars to for something to end my life.
It gets better. I gets a lot better. It always gets better.