My 8 day Deep Density Detox with Panache Desai officially ended Monday, but of course it hasn’t ended. I continue to be overcome at random times with tears, usually accompanied with tremendous fear. Fear that these tears and pain are not going to end. Fear that I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. Fear that there is too much to release. Fear that I’m not good at life. I continue to be stunned and amazed how much I’ve been driven by fear. Looking back I can so easily see that fear preceded every bought of depression and suicide attempt going back to my earliest days.
I know there is a reason for my going through all of this, because otherwise I wouldn’t be going through it. I know I’m here to be a teacher and a leader, sometimes it just really sucks to lead by example; to be willing to go to the darkest places and feel what is there. But that is the only way to release our fears, pains and doubts. I’m doing my best to surrender; to allow whatever shows up to show up. To not judge it or condemn myself (that is the hardest part for me).
I’ve also had tremendous feelings of peace, safety and love through this too. I don’t want anyone to think I’m shuddering in pain and fear around the clock. Not even close. It is just the moments of terror are so amazingly strong that they create a short term memory lapse, and it is only after I bawl, sob and wail that I’m back to the peace. It is hard to explain and hard to experience.
This weekend I’m going to a live event with Panache at Kripalu Yoga & Retreat Center in western Mass. It is my reward to myself for completing the recent 3 day Ultimate Energetic Entrepreneurapalooza event. I bought this program before I discovered the Deep Density Detox and I thought “how cool, I can do these back to back!” The sometimes tortuous experience of being me has me reconsidering exactly how cool an idea this combination is, but on I go. On you go. On we all shall go.
I don’t know if I’ve prayed, begged and screamed for surrender and peace as much as I have the last few days. Actually, I know I have, what is different know is that I’m not trying to end my life at the same time. I share this with you so that if you ever find yourself there you know you aren’t the first, the only one and you are certainly not alone.
Here are the final 4 days of my Deep Density Detox journey.
Day 5, Oct 34, 2015. The corner has been turned! It isn’t about releasing emotions, it is about releasing our judgment of them.
Day 6, Oct 24, 2015. Vibrational forgiveness – much more than saying I’m sorry. When we allow ourselves to fully feel the pain of the original hurt/trauma until there is peace, that is true forgiveness.
Day 7, Oct 25, 2015. The Purge. This shit is hard. I am willing to let who I thought I was die.
Day 8, Oct 26, 2015. Final day. Be willing to feel whatever shows up in your life. Feeling your emotions fully in the moment they arise, without judgment, is the key to truly being in the flow of life. This journey has been about accepting, allowing, and appreciating. Lessons I’ve learned and shared often, but I’ve now experienced at yet another level.
It isn’t always fun being a human being willing to wake up, be aware and not numb out with distractions and addictions. But it is worth it.
Be good to yourself,
PS – WOW, while putting finishing touches on this post, Panache Desai just went live on Facebook video to reminding me to surrender and to love all parts of me. Thank you. I feel so much… lighter than when I began writing this. I hope my sharing of this journey serves you.