This is one of those sorts of posts that I write for me. If you get something from it too, super.
It was Pete’s Angelic Army to my rescue today. I’m in Key West, Florida this weekend for Possibilities in Paradise, an event that I’m a guest speaker at. Yesterday I gave my, “Six Keys to Loving Your Life” presentation which includes me talking about my experiences with depression and suicide. None of the 45 attendees had any idea my talk would touch on suicide, but the audience had numerous people who have been touched personally and deeply by suicide, so there were a lot of tears which also lead to laughs and healing.
Last night we all went on a sunset cruise with a band and open bar. I’ve never attended a personal growth event that also had a strong dash of spring break in it. I also don’t drink very much at all any more because if I drink alcohol I can’t work in the Akashic Records for 48 hours. I’ve also found that for me, alcohol lowers my vibration and makes energy work more difficult. But I’m also not sure how to navigate myself around people who are drinking, wanted the full Key West experience, and since I had no planned work in the Records this weekend I decided to drink. Most people decided to drink. Some more than they have in some time too.
Towards the end of the cruise a few people were in rough shape and I kept an eye on them as I am pretty good at recognizing the face of someone in a black out. I quickly recalled how much I enjoyed the protector role at parties years ago – as a guest or working as a bouncer. I felt my old glory days of college keg parties, keeping friends safe and diffusing situations.
I kept people upright and unhurt as needed on the boat and guided them safely ashore. A group of fellow protectors helped get a couple of folks to cabs and back to the hotel for an early night, then I held up the tail end of our party train down Duval St – the Bourbon Street of Key West. I kept people from verging off on their own into unplanned bar stops, picked some folks up off the ground and did my best to keep the group together and on task to the planned karaoke destination. I had multiple ladies praising me, saying I’m their new best friend, there was even an “I love Andy Grant” scream on the sidewalks a couple of times. I loved it. I ate it all up. Feeling very full of myself. Intoxicated ego reveling in my acclaim.
This morning I felt low as soon as I woke. I wasn’t hungover as I switched to water for hours before going to bed, but my energy was low. As the morning progressed I realized none of the people I helped remembered any of it. I was disappointed and hurt, which then had me judging myself. Was I helping people last night out of the goodness of my being, or was I doing it in anticipation of thanks later. If they didn’t remember my helping them, did I really help anyone? What sort of tool am I that I need to be recognized for helping someone out?
I felt some feelings I’ve felt often, but not in quite a while. I felt invisible and alone, even when surrounded by people. I’d already lost my new best friends from the night before. I recalled my long history of attempting to be the savior, the hero, only to discover that nice guys finish last.
The first speaker this morning asked what we wanted to give up. I said to myself, judgment. He asked us to visualize the person we wanted to be, the person who no longer had what I wanted to give up: judgement. I couldn’t. My judgement of everyone there and myself went into overdrive. Then he spoke about authenticity and had people pair up to share how they really felt. I was on the verge of tears. Every pain of unrequited love or even interest was unleashed and continued to bubble up. I left the group and walked away on my own (another long pattern of mine), I kept trying to feel it to clear it but I’d get a couple of tears to flow, which took the edge off and everything retreated. I couldn’t get myself over the hump to a full release. I only came back to the location after that presentation was over to grab my stuff then walked back to the hotel alone – on the verge of tears a few times, but not getting a full release. I’m acting on the lamest aspects of myself. Did anyone even notice I left? Does anyone care? I wished I could fly home right then.
I get back to my room, do some energy work to clear whatever this shit is; a few more tears. I try journaling and all my 3 roommates comes in one at a time. Nobody speaks to me. Yup, I’m invisible. I judge me, I judge them, I judge this trip a failure.
After contemplating not going at all, I join some folks for the walk to the next event, a restaurant for brunch. Waiting for others to gather there, one person asks, how are you? I Tell her the truth, not good and then I’m crying. I finally feel better, but still not the full release I’m needing.
Through multiple speakers the rest of the day I’m triggered and on the verge of tears. At one point we all sing You Are So Beautiful to ourselves. I lose it. Then we are supposed to celebrate. I hug one of my favorite people. I lose it, crying the hardest of the day finally.
I retreat to my room again, trying to get myself into full-out bawling and wailing to move past this shit. Not happening. I decide to go look for Pete who does powerful work with Angels. I had thought of talking to him earlier this morning, but he was busy. I find him, open my mouth to speak and my throat immediately closes as the tears flow. He stands and says let’s go.
It feels like it takes 20 minutes of sitting with him before I can finally vocalize; I need your help. Then the floodgates open and I’m bawling like a newborn. He does a full angelic scan and clearing on me. Calling in multiple Archangels for love and support. He goes into some labored breathing and painful sounding wails moving the energy within me, feeling my pain. My legs twitch and I sob and sob. At one point Pete is literally choking as he takes on my shit and I wonder if I need to stop this somehow and help him.
He sees lots of old wounds in my heart. Lots of abuse carried in my abdomen, sexual abuse that hasn’t been spoken of. Then some dark stuff not willing to leave. He got “righteously angry” yelling “get out NOW!” twice. With a jolt, I felt lighter and my entire body is quivering. My head feels three feet wide. He opens my crown chakra and says, “Wow.” He usually sees light there for me he sees the whole universe. Pete tells me I’m very well-connected and all the Archangels want me to know how blessed and loved I am.
I finally feel like I’ve released it. Feel fresh and light but also chewed up and spit out at the same time. Pete’s Angelic Army to the rescue. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You can experience Pete at www.petecossaboon.com
Andy that was so beautiful. I have walked that road. I want you to know that I did notice you. But not trusting my feelings or my ability to help I judged instead of comforting. Wow I wow!!
Noticing was more than enough. Your feelings were right, but so was your choosing not to act. Running away until someone finds me is an old pattern. I needed to run away and not be followed, despite how painful it may have felt. I had to get to the point of asking for help with my voice not only by moping around and hoping somebody noticed. I love you. ~ Andy
My dear Andy I honor you and cherish your authenticity and openness of your journey. You have done so much for me with you gift and I feel honored that you chose to reach out to me so that I may repay that service back to you. I call forth the Angels to bring you more blessings than you can even imagine and I am excited about the adventures and discoveries that await you my friend!