2015 was a rocking good year for me and I hope for you as well. I released, what I feel is my best and most powerful book, Still Here: How to Succeed in Life After Failing at Suicide. I did Akashic Records readings for over 100 individuals, had speaking gigs at Simmons College and at Possibilities in Paradise in Key West, FL. Lead a monthly business development and networking group. Joined a great group of people in Project Positive Change. Lori and I both met Amma, the Hugging Saint, launched internet radio shows, and we put together our first multi-day event, the Ultimate Energetic Entrepreneurapalooza in October. October also had some of the most intense personal growth work I’ve ever done with Panache Desai, both in an online program and then a live weekend at Kripalu.
Then…. I crashed. I was worried about crashing. I expected to bottom out after the stress and fun of planning and putting on a 3 day event. I was also worried that this winter might bring me back to a depressive time as last winter did. Of course what I worried about and focused on came to be.
But it was different. I felt empty. I expected to have some big aha’s, goals, and clarity from all the personal work I did in October. But, November came and I felt empty and apathetic. I withdrew from pretty much everything. Lori forced me to get up and out for the few commitments I had and I did have a fantastic time at the Natural Living Expo in early November doing over 30 mini Akashic Records readings in two days. I felt so… high, so much love. But the day after I woke with dread. Back to feeling flat and unmotivated. All I wanted to do was sleep. None of the things that interested me just weeks before roused me at all. All the goals I thought I had became meaningless to me.
I wasn’t emotional and teary, I just felt done and empty. I attempted to leave this world via meditation, I hoped to vibrate out of this realm. I overdosed on apathy. Each morning I woke up, I was disappointed that I was still here.
Over the weeks of November and December I gave in to my suicidal thoughts. I investigated ways to die, finding new options online. I plotted, planned and set dates like I haven’t in years. But the Universe kept showing me that wasn’t the path. Lots of synchronistic phone calls from friends lead to me finally breaking down in tears and sharing how bad it had gotten. As I tried to join various internet groups on suicide, my login info would never show up. I discovered a new simple, pain-free way to die only to find that product no longer available. Once I contacted someone in another country willing to sell me a substance to die from, they had it, but then said they couldn’t ship to the US. I was excited each time I found a way out, then was disappointed when I couldn’t pull it off. There were numerous little things like this that kept preventing my suicide plans. I was able to laugh and see the absurdity that everything was aligning to keep me alive, yet I kept ignoring that.
On one of my worse days I got a message from someone who was transcribing an interview I had done about a year and a half earlier about my experiences with depressions and suicide for Live Through This. She reached out to thank me and say how much she enjoyed what I had shared. I felt good, on purpose again. That is until the next dawn broke and I was back to dreading another day. I buried myself in TV and internet news with all the ISIS coverage, convincing myself the world was screwed and it was time to leave. I prayed, meditated and did energy work attempting to leave this shell. I ignored everything, business, bills, health, gym, holidays… On another bad day my LiveThroughThis.org full story went live, the best I could do was skim it. I wasn’t interested enough in myself to read some perhaps uplifting things I’d said in the past. As thanks and praise came in for that, I felt faker and faker.
As someone who has opened up more and more to their own spiritual aspect, this round of suicidal thoughts seemed more driven by that spiritual sense. When I was younger I wanted to die because I thought I just wanted everything to end. I didn’t believe in anything after death. I wanted my pain, me, to stop. Today, I know death isn’t the end of anything except this physical experience, and that is what I was so interested in ending.
I’ve debated for weeks about sharing any of this. In my books and talks I let people know that if you’ve ever seriously considered suicide or made an attempt, that option will always be there. Yet, I somehow expect it to be different for me. I should be done with this. When those self-destructive ideas come back to me I feel like a fraud and a poser. I feel hopeless and helpless. I don’t have any driving vision, mission or “big why” to keep me going.
I’m still here. I know suicide isn’t the answer for me, but for some reason that doesn’t stop me from going down that road from time to time. I have friends who say I’m the most positive person on Facebook. So when I’m not living up to that, I withdraw. I disappear as sort of a practice for dying. My self-judgment says for me to be a coach, author and speaker that I need to be the perfect suicide attempt survivor. That I must always be up and positive. Well, I am unfortunately a human being and my journey is full of failures, quitting and giving up as I am confronted by my greatest enemy; me.
What people in personal growth and spirituality don’t talk about is the downside. The crash that can follow spiritual highs. If I can feel that good, that awesome, that full of love and life when I’m coaching someone, presenting or doing an Akashic Records reading – then why can’t I maintain it? Why can’t I stay there? My pursuing my suicidal thoughts, my not seeking help to change them is a distorted way for me to return to and stay in that spiritual high. It is an attempt to free my soul.
I’m finally writing this today because someone called me noticing I hadn’t blogged since October. I am living proof that depression and suicidal thoughts can be overcome. I’m also proof that being an uplifting, positive, spiritual person doesn’t guarantee smooth sailing every day. If you made it this far, I hope something here serves you. Sometimes all I’ve got is my willingness to share.
Wishing you your best year yet in 2016,
Andy, You are a brave and bright soul and I’m glad you are still sharing your healing insights with us! Sending you a huge spiritual hug! Blessings to you and Lori! Laura Emerald
Thank you Laura for once again rising from the ether to give me a nudge. I love you.
Part of what makes you such an inspiration is that you don’t pretend suicide is something that can be overcome. I am grateful the universe helped you find another path again.
Thanks, Jill. I’m honestly not sure I’m grateful yet, but I’m willing to be.
You have no idea the impact your honesty and vulnerability hold for me…As a positive person that everyone sees as alway up it is so devastating to sit with my own regular thoughts of unworthiness and feeling like a fake and a fraud…You give me the courage to move through my days and be more gentle with myself and allow whatever I am feeling to arise and face it head on. I did notice your absence and kept checking in to see if I had missed a post from you. When I saw you withdraw I sent healing and knew you would find your true north again and return to share your light and your dark to make people like me feel less alone. Thank you once again my friend for your honesty and for your bravery in sharing your story.
Thank you my dear. Maybe we need a group for People Perceived as Perfectly Positive or something 🙂
I always get such amazing feedback and boost when I share whatever is going on for me, someday I’ll break the pattern of withdrawing and just share from first moment of shit.
I love you.
I think we definitely need that group We’re getting there through awareness… Love you back!
Andy Andy Andy. Sending love and a
Coat of white light with a magnificent red rose on the lapel. You were my first, remember? ( that’s reading energy in case someone else might wonder lol)
I learned from you. And I read some of your energy coming through this post.
You’re going to die. I’m going to die.
Inevitable for us and everyone else on this planet!
What I am reading is that you’ve decided that there is not enough to keep you here, today, now in the present moment.
Otherwise you would enjoy your days until you grow old and crotchety and we want you gone! Lol. Kidding!
Seriously, Andy the depression is chemical and I know you have done a fair amount of research about this.
The spiraling rabbit hole is difficult for sure. It’s real and imagined at the same time. Does that make sense?
My energy healing suggestion? Brand yourself reading energy for the greatness that people can expect rather then going into the depths of their despairs.
Their negative energies bring you down.
You are brilliance at guiding them to and through the positives. Let the crap be.
I love you and wish the joy rules!!
Thank you Patricia. You are right on in the deciding there’s not enough to keep me here.
I love you and am open to joy!
I read your article saying, “yep that’s me, yep that’s me” over and over again. The timing you put on your episodes was eerie in the timing of mine. This timing of the shadow work that we healers are doing is spooky. So many folks were doing very similar dark “journeys” at the very same time. My guides have explained it well. You might want to check out our 2 most recent Gateway to Grace teleseminars for some insights.
Here is a link
I’d love to talk to you in person about this PM me.
Dude, you have such an impact and have so much to live for. And here’s an irony — I think someone in my upcoming documentary might be able to help you. Hang in. Be strong. Live on!
Thank you, Bob.
Andy thank you for sharing your authentic self with all of us and you are still here because you are sharing all of who you are to help, support and inspire all of us to be our authentic, vulnerable self as a human being determined to awaken to our peaceful Divine Self. I hope you never give in to the darkness and the light gets stronger and brighter always leading you back to shining within a little, no a lot brighter. You are a gift! Blessings, Karen
Thanks, Karen. I love you.
Hi Andy, its interesting that this blog came up on my news feed today. I had realized a few days ago that i havent seen anything posted from you and remembered last year when something similar happened when you hadnt been posting. I too had a very low period lately but was able to turn it around much quicker than before. During it i was thinking “i thought i had a handle on this? Why am i going through this again?” And felt defeated and worthless. But i also thought of you and how open and honest you are when you “crash”. And its good to know, we are human, not everything is always perfect, and not to be so hard on ourselfs when these crashes happen. I told myself, ” if i can get through my divorce, my daughters wedding and selling/ moving from our family home, then the Universe would also give me the strength to get through this moment in time and that it was only a moment, and it to shall pass and continue to teach me lessons”. Take one day at a time and remember, you are not alone! Sending light and love your way!
Thanks, Tracy. Happy to hear about your quick turn around.
I noticed a void…I thought you were taking a break
Maybe a little infrared light to help w this time of year..just an idea…I am glad you are back
Thanks, I actually do use a sun lamp.
Hey, Cuz! Everybody has bad days, especially after exhiliarating ones, when you go into a slump! That just means you need some “time off” to relax and process your life! We were busy 4 nights in a row, partying in Arizona during the holidays! Then we went to Virginia to party with my family, 4 nights in a row! Now we are in Florida, and we are like Zombies, sleeping late and doing absolutely nothing! I have deadlines to meet in an online class, and I am moving very slowly! But sooner or later, that energy will kick in ( I am taking my Vitamins B, C, and D) and I will be back to normal! I know that this is a reoetitive cycle of “Post-Holiday Depression,” so I don’t fight it, but try to roll with it! At the end of “the long and winding road” is “tunnel vision!” Try “Music Therapy,” “Art Therapy,” “Poetry Therapy!” They work! Another thing that gets me though it is reading Native American poetry! There is a great little book called “The Soul Would Have No Rainbow if the Eyes Had No Tears!”. If you have any further interest in the Spiritual Realm, the Psalms and Ecclesiastes are good, also! Or, you can just lie on your back on a blanket on the grass and find animal shapes in the clouds! Follow that with 20 laps of swimming, a run around the block, or bicycling a few miles! So many alternatives, so little time!
I’ve missed you Andy
Thanks, Pam. I missed me too.
If you get off track again, you know there is a woman in Sweden you can call. Always! Blessings, Marie
Thank you dear Marie.
Thank you for your honesty and for your courage to share yourself with us/me. Your writing is captivating and I admire that about you. You are a very good writer..keep it up and don’t stop.
PS.. Most if not all great writers had suicidal thoughts and tendencies.. So really, your recent experience is basically evidence of your genius..
Is it too late to pick a different area of genius? 🙂
Andy, This was a frightening memo to read and I hope you are feeling better about yourself and the world around you. For you are a tenanted and gifted person. Don’t loose sight of this. I praise you for all of your accomplishments and for all the help you have provided me. On several occasions when I was down, you were the only person who believed in me and gave me something to hold on to, something to look forward to, someone who pulled me up. I look back on this time often and thank you. When you are down, think of all the people you have helped and you have much more work to do in the future. Believe in yourself as your friends do. I’m here to support you when ever you need a friend to lean on.
Thank you so much, Angie.