2015 was a rocking good year for me and I hope for you as well. I released, what I feel is my best and most powerful book, Still Here: How to Succeed in Life After Failing at Suicide. I did Akashic Records readings for over 100 individuals, had speaking gigs at Simmons College and at Possibilities in Paradise in Key West, FL. Lead a monthly business development and networking group. Joined a great group of people in Project Positive Change. Lori and I both met Amma, the Hugging Saint, launched internet radio shows, and we put together our first multi-day event, the Ultimate Energetic Entrepreneurapalooza in October. October also had some of the most intense personal growth work I’ve ever done with Panache Desai, both in an online program and then a live weekend at Kripalu.
Then…. I crashed. I was worried about crashing. I expected to bottom out after the stress and fun of planning and putting on a 3 day event. I was also worried that this winter might bring me back to a depressive time as last winter did. Of course what I worried about and focused on came to be.
But it was different. I felt empty. I expected to have some big aha’s, goals, and clarity from all the personal work I did in October. But, November came and I felt empty and apathetic. I withdrew from pretty much everything. Lori forced me to get up and out for the few commitments I had and I did have a fantastic time at the Natural Living Expo in early November doing over 30 mini Akashic Records readings in two days. I felt so… high, so much love. But the day after I woke with dread. Back to feeling flat and unmotivated. All I wanted to do was sleep. None of the things that interested me just weeks before roused me at all. All the goals I thought I had became meaningless to me.
I wasn’t emotional and teary, I just felt done and empty. I attempted to leave this world via meditation, I hoped to vibrate out of this realm. I overdosed on apathy. Each morning I woke up, I was disappointed that I was still here.
Over the weeks of November and December I gave in to my suicidal thoughts. I investigated ways to die, finding new options online. I plotted, planned and set dates like I haven’t in years. But the Universe kept showing me that wasn’t the path. Lots of synchronistic phone calls from friends lead to me finally breaking down in tears and sharing how bad it had gotten. As I tried to join various internet groups on suicide, my login info would never show up. I discovered a new simple, pain-free way to die only to find that product no longer available. Once I contacted someone in another country willing to sell me a substance to die from, they had it, but then said they couldn’t ship to the US. I was excited each time I found a way out, then was disappointed when I couldn’t pull it off. There were numerous little things like this that kept preventing my suicide plans. I was able to laugh and see the absurdity that everything was aligning to keep me alive, yet I kept ignoring that.
On one of my worse days I got a message from someone who was transcribing an interview I had done about a year and a half earlier about my experiences with depressions and suicide for Live Through This. She reached out to thank me and say how much she enjoyed what I had shared. I felt good, on purpose again. That is until the next dawn broke and I was back to dreading another day. I buried myself in TV and internet news with all the ISIS coverage, convincing myself the world was screwed and it was time to leave. I prayed, meditated and did energy work attempting to leave this shell. I ignored everything, business, bills, health, gym, holidays… On another bad day my LiveThroughThis.org full story went live, the best I could do was skim it. I wasn’t interested enough in myself to read some perhaps uplifting things I’d said in the past. As thanks and praise came in for that, I felt faker and faker.
As someone who has opened up more and more to their own spiritual aspect, this round of suicidal thoughts seemed more driven by that spiritual sense. When I was younger I wanted to die because I thought I just wanted everything to end. I didn’t believe in anything after death. I wanted my pain, me, to stop. Today, I know death isn’t the end of anything except this physical experience, and that is what I was so interested in ending.
I’ve debated for weeks about sharing any of this. In my books and talks I let people know that if you’ve ever seriously considered suicide or made an attempt, that option will always be there. Yet, I somehow expect it to be different for me. I should be done with this. When those self-destructive ideas come back to me I feel like a fraud and a poser. I feel hopeless and helpless. I don’t have any driving vision, mission or “big why” to keep me going.
I’m still here. I know suicide isn’t the answer for me, but for some reason that doesn’t stop me from going down that road from time to time. I have friends who say I’m the most positive person on Facebook. So when I’m not living up to that, I withdraw. I disappear as sort of a practice for dying. My self-judgment says for me to be a coach, author and speaker that I need to be the perfect suicide attempt survivor. That I must always be up and positive. Well, I am unfortunately a human being and my journey is full of failures, quitting and giving up as I am confronted by my greatest enemy; me.
What people in personal growth and spirituality don’t talk about is the downside. The crash that can follow spiritual highs. If I can feel that good, that awesome, that full of love and life when I’m coaching someone, presenting or doing an Akashic Records reading – then why can’t I maintain it? Why can’t I stay there? My pursuing my suicidal thoughts, my not seeking help to change them is a distorted way for me to return to and stay in that spiritual high. It is an attempt to free my soul.
I’m finally writing this today because someone called me noticing I hadn’t blogged since October. I am living proof that depression and suicidal thoughts can be overcome. I’m also proof that being an uplifting, positive, spiritual person doesn’t guarantee smooth sailing every day. If you made it this far, I hope something here serves you. Sometimes all I’ve got is my willingness to share.
Wishing you your best year yet in 2016,