For the past couple months I had retreated from email, social media, creating, reaching out…pretty much everything. I was alive, but not really living.
I’m finally feeling over a prolonged period of depression and even suicidal thoughts. I’ve dealt with periods of depression and suicidal ideation off and on for most of my life and that has made me great at covering it up; of pretending everything is fine, of being able to go through the motions when needed.
As a survivor of multiple suicide attempts, I often share that if you’ve ever seriously contemplated suicide that the option, that thought, will always be there lurking in the back of your mind, waiting for a moment of weakness to rise up and scream, “I know the way out!”
Even though I know those suicidal thoughts can and probably will pop up again, when it happens to me I feel like a fraud; a hypocrite. In November I began to feel a level of fear that I don’t recall previously in my adult life. I was afraid of the life I’d created. I gave my power away to others. I put more importance in the opinion others had of me than I had of myself. I was afraid every decision I’d made in recent years was mistaken. I stopped doing all the self-care practices that have served me well for years. I stopped trusting myself. I stopped being active on Facebook. I stopped trying to build my business. I stopped being of service. I stopped being. It was as if I was practicing being dead to see if anyone noticed. A handful of people contacted me to see if I was ok. I prayed that my positive impact on people so far would outweigh whatever mistakes I was currently making or considering. November and December were very bad, very dark times of self-loathing, and failure. I do call it a period of failure because I had given up. I didn’t believe in myself. I prayed for this lifetime to end.
Only my amazing wife knows how bad it really was, but I even lied to her plenty of days too. Keeping my worst thoughts, plans, and deadlines to myself. I thought, how can I write, speak, or coach anyone if I’m planning and plotting my own demise? I thought I was making the world a worse place. I stopped blogging, creating videos and pretty much all activities because I was worried that all that would come out would be negative, “woe is me” sort of messages. I feared anything I dared write would quickly morph into a suicide note.
I knew I wasn’t going to kill myself, yet I was sometimes obsessed with doing just that. To me, that turmoil, the tortuous sense of being pulled back and forth; of thinking and feeling that I should just die, while knowing with all my heart and soul that it isn’t the answer and I must go on was the worst feeling. For me, it is a crippling feeling – at least I let it be. I reached out to a few people, did various energy work, talking, healing, releasing… yet I didn’t go all the way. When left to my own devices, I chose taking no action to improve myself, my life, my business, my mood…
Last week I got an email from a psychic/medium, Laura Emerald, whom I did not know. She had taken a live class on social media from me last summer, but we had never spoken directly. She said Spirit kept telling her to reach out to me and that I needed to know that I was supported and loved. We spoke briefly last Friday and Laura told me my Guides and loved ones wanted to lift me up out of sadness and to pass on messages of love and support. Mind you, she had no idea about my history or how I’d been feeling recently. We set up a time for a live, in-person full psychic reading which happened today.
The gist of the messages today was how much I am supported and loved. And the importance of forgiving myself and others, while also being willing to ask for help. My maternal grandmother was the driving force. She passed away in 2007 and was the closest of my grandparents to me. She’d always been one of my biggest fans. Her husband (my grandfather) died by suicide in 1999. She referred to a time when I was about 14 (which was my first suicide attempt) as a “catalyst for questioning” – questioning everything including did I want to be here. She knew I’d been in a similar time of questioning recently. She stressed that I was supposed to be here and each time I had these questions – a “cycle of questions exploding” – and I decided to stay, that I was strengthening myself and my tools as well as the help I can give others. This particular current time is leading to a quantum leap in my evolution, growth and development.
Words and feelings of support, love, and the importance of my work poured from Laura while I resonated deeply with chills, shudders and tears. I am here to help people “attain higher levels” and be successful when facing their biggest fears.
I was also visited by my Uncle Bruce who asked me to forgive him for not communicating and supporting me more while he was alive. He couldn’t share how much he loved me until now.
The last appearance was from one of my Guides who stressed how loved and protected I was and that I am to continue looking for guideposts on my own path while I serve as a guidepost for others.
The final words shared with me today were; “The I AM essence of Andy is Divine. It is time to stick your toe back in the river of your divinity.” Will be fun to see how that plays out.
Take from this what you will. For me, I had been praying for messages, support, and help while also begging to move on to the next realm. Spirit reached out to a stranger to have them contact me because I was refusing to fully see the Truth myself; I’m supposed to be here, and I still have lots of work to do.
The Universe never ceases to amaze me.